flying without wings
by tatty ted
Summary: The twins are dead and slowly Toby, Lauren and Sofia are rebuilding their lives until Toby suggests trying for a baby. That's the catalyst for everything going wrong and Lauren, unable to deal with the thought of having another child, self-destructs. But by doing so, does she push Toby further away? - —Toby/OC. /AU for Series 23, sequel to Flowers & Rainbows.
1. CHAPTER I

**notes** — this is the sequel to _flowers&rainbows._

* * *

**flying without wings**  
_you & i, we're like diamonds in the sky._

* * *

She stands by the bedroom door, wearing skinny jeans with stars dotted on them and a checked red blouse. She watches her fiance as he sleeps and smiles softly, seeing how peaceful he looks. She walks towards him quietly and bends down to kiss his forehead.

He stirs but doesn't wake up and Lauren leaves him, setting the alarm on her way out. She slowly walks down the stairs, trying not to wake the household up and grabs her shoes out of the cupboard. As she slips them on, she takes the keys and unlocks the front door.

As she steps into the cold, she locks the door and makes her way towards the cemetery guided by the street lights. She often found herself visiting the cemetery when she couldn't sleep, it was a comfort thing for her, knowing she wasn't alone.

Her heels click against the pavement as she enters the cemetery. She stops in front of a grave and sits down, her legs crossed. She doesn't say anything for a moment, she just listens to the silence that's surrounding her, wondering what or who's around.

The grave belongs to her children, _their_ twins. She gave birth at twenty weeks, two boys. They didn't survive for long, she didn't expect them too but it still hurt when they died in their arms. They settled on the names Matthew and Joesph and buried them two days later.

Lauren has that ache, the empty feeling in her heart and she knows it'll never go away. Her relationship hasn't been very good since the twins died, her and Toby hardly communicate and it's slowly pushing her over the edge, she knows she'll do something stupid.

She always does self-destruct when things get tough.

She rearranges the grave, reording the flowers and the pictures and the teddys. As she moves one of the teddies out of the way, she comes across a white feather and smiles gently. She brushes her fingers along the edge and understands the meaning.

Her mother's looking after the twins.

"I hope you're both being good for Nanna." Lauren whispers and places the feather back in her pocket. She feels sad because she always loses people she's loved more than anything. Her mother died when she was young, her twins are dead, Louis' gone away and Maggie's left to go travelling.

Time passes ever so quickly when she's alone, cleaning and tidying obsessively. Before she knows it, the sun's raising turning the sky into a beautiful colour of red, yellow and orange. She kisses her fingers and places them on the grave.

"I love you." She whispers and stands up. She brushes down her jeans and leaves, heading in the direction of the hospital. She was on the early shift today, seven till six. She didn't really mind working them, it was a lot better than the night shift with the drunks!

She reaches the hospital for half past six and reaches the staff-room. She opens her locker and begins to get changed into her scrubs. She's glad to be working because it'll put her mind off the fact she hadn't slept. Once changed, Lauren walks towards the counter, puts water in the kettle and flicks the switch.

She makes herself a coffee and sits down, her mug in her palm, sipping the coffee knowing it's going to be a _long_ shift. She's not alone in the staff-room for long as Zoe walked through the door, obviously going home as she headed for her locker.

"You finished?" Lauren asks and Zoe nods; "Thank god, I've had the shift from hell."

Lauren smiles gently and answers; "You look like you have. How an earth you can wear those heels all shift, I'll never know." She nods towards Zoe's five inch heels, necks her coffee and stands up.

There's a silence before Zoe asks; "How you holding up?"

"I'm fine." She answers and stares into her coffee cup, "Honestly, I wish people would stop asking me that."

"Lauren you've just lost your twins."

"And no amount of talking about them is going to bring them back is it?" Lauren replies. She walks towards the sink and begins to run the tap. She washes out her mug before Zoe says bye and she nods, whispers bye and hears the door of the staff-room close.

Turning off the tap, she places the mug on the draining board upside down, leans against the counter and hopes that her shift is relatively quiet. Wiping her wet hands on her thighs, she walks outside and heads for reception, picking up the first patient file of the day.

* * *

**jottings** — my new lauren story because i've missed her. if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review, obviously its AU for series 23 as it follows some and not all of the storylines. ple—ase give me a few reviews for christmas, would make my christmas even better!


	2. CHAPTER II

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO.**  
_it's not the fear of falling._

* * *

The first patient she treats for the day is Alaina Flitcroft, twenty-three year old who'd been brought into the Emergency Department after an asthma attack. She pulls back the curtain and looks at the patient,

"Hi Alaina, I'm Doctor Fairhead, Lauren."

She puts the file down on the table and puts on a pair of clean latex gloves. She smiles softly and says; "You've had an asthma attack?"

The girl nods, breathing in and out, in and out trying to regain control of her breathing. She'd been asthmatic for a number of years, first diagnosed when she was thirteen and in high school. Safe to say it put an end to her running career.

"Can you tell me how you manage your asthma?"

"I have an inhaler, it's brown, I use it whenever I have an attack."

Lauren nods, writing up what the patient's told her and then asks; "Are you on any steroids?"

"No."

"Are you taking the drug theophylline?"

"No."

She smiles at the young patient and says; "You've had your pulse checked, correct along with checking your oxygen saturation levels when you arrived? As you seem to be recovering from the worst, I'm going to send you for an x-ray to make sure they're no damage to your chest okay?"

"Okay." Lauren smiles at the young patient, puts the patient's notes at the end of the bed and leaves the cubicle. She walks towards reception and picks up the phone, arranging an xray for the patient. As she puts the phone down, she's greeted by the familiar voice of Adam Trueman.

"You're back."

"Yes Adam, I'm back."

"But it's only been three weeks."

Lauren rolls her eyes and replies; "I can count you know and before you start, _don't_ bother trying to talk me out of it. Yes, three weeks ago I lost my twins but taking time off work and talking about them_ isn't_ going to bring them back is it? No, they're dead and there's nothing I can do."

She stands up and walks past Adam who watches her go. He takes a mental note to watch her very carefully so she doesn't do something she'll live to regret because that was Lauren all over, she self-destructs when everything goes wrong.

He follows her into the staff room where she leans against the counter, glass in one hand, sipping it. She makes eye contact with Adam but neither of them speak. He closes the door and tells her; "Do you not think it's a bit too soon?"

"Maybe," She answers back with an attitude, "But they're still dead. Does it matter if I come back now or next week?"

"Lauren!" He walks towards her and touchs her arm, concerned for the younger Doctor, "You carried those twins for five months, you bonded with them and you need time to come to terms with their death. I don't want you to do something you'll regret."

"Oh!" She snaps and dropped the glass. It shatters against the floor into pieces and water spills everywhere, "Is this what it's all about? You think I'm gonna do something stupid? Tell me Adam, _what_ am I going to do that's going to be considered stupid? Top myself?"

"We're just trying to help you Lauren."

"Well _don't!_" She storms towards the door and pulls it open with such force, it bounces off the lockers; "I'm fine! I'm fucking fine, I don't need help and I'm definitely _not_ going to do something stupid, now the quicker everyone gets off my back, the better!"

Lauren storms out again, slamming the door and nearly bursting Adam's eardrum.

She sits, alone on the bathroom floor, the tiles freezing cold and making goosebumps appear on her arms. She hugs her knees tightly, sobbing her heart out and cursing herself under her breath because she told herself today, she wouldn't cry.

She wasn't going to cry over them because nothing could bring them back, nothing.

Despite knowing that, promising that, she couldn't stop the empty feeling inside her heart from aching. She knew that the moment her twins took their final breaths, a part of her died too. She would never regain that part of her heart back, that was buried six feet under.

Tears roll down her cheeks and she took several deep breaths trying to regain control of her breathing, there was after all work that needed to be done. She's about to stand up when she hears the vibration of her mobile phone and she takes it out her pocket, noticing she has a text message.

She opens up the message. It's from Toby and it makes her smile, it says;

_I know today's hard beautiful but we love you xxxxxxxxxxxxx_

Attached to the text message was a photograph of Toby and Sofia with their eyes crossed and their tongues out. She smiles and changes the photograph to her wallpaper, locks her phone and places it back in her pocket.

Then she stands up, straightens herself out, wipes away the tears and goes back to work, hoping nobody noticed she'd gone. Her job as a Doctor is to fix people, patch them up and watch them go, its what she was perfect at. It was just a shame that right now, she couldn't fix herself.

Her first shift finally comes to an end and Lauren, despite grateful to be back, isn't more relieved. She couldn't wait to go home to Toby and Sofia. Lauren changes out of her scrubs, puts on her jeans and checked shirt, placed her keys in the pockets and left.

She says her goodbyes as she walks before reaching the exit and walking home. As she turns into her street which isn't far from the hospital, she knows which is her house, the one with the very nice audi outside. She walks up the steps, takes out her keys and unlocks the front door.

"I'm home!" She shouts as she steps into the house. She closes the door behind her and takes off her shoes. At that moment, Lauren can hear footsteps running down the stairs and her daughter throws herself at her, hugging her stomach.

"Mummy, you're back!"

"Yes." Lauren bends down and kisses her daughter who promptly wipes the kiss away. Lauren laughs before her daughter laces her fingers with hers and pulls her towards the stairs explaining that mummy was just in time for the bedtime story.

As she's lead up the stairs and dragged into the bedroom, she spots Toby sitting on the bed with 101 dalmations on his lap. She sits down on the bed, tucks Sofia into bed and then snuggles into her as Toby reads them the bedtime story.

"Night Sofia, I love you." Lauren whispers into her daughter's ear as Toby finishes the story. She kisses her daughter not once, not twice but three times then walks out of the bedroom. Toby says goodbye, also kisses her three times and turns out the bedroom light.

As he pulls the door closed, he grabs Lauren's hand; "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	3. CHAPTER III

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER THREE.**  
_in the blink of an eye_

* * *

"How was work?" They're sat on the settee, an old film being played on the television that neither of them are really paying attention too. She rests her head on his shoulder and answers; "You want the truth? It's good but I wish everyone would stop asking how I was, I'm fine."

He kisses her forehead, "You know everyone's just worried about you."

"I know but I wish everyone will stop going on. Toby, our babies are dead and everyone thinks I'm suddenly going to go off the rails. Yes, it hurts. Yes, the pain is still raw but Toby, nothing I can do, nothing we will do can bring them back. When everyone gets off my back, I'll feel better."

He laced his fingers with hers and stroked her fingers, "They will in time, honestly Lauren."

There's nothing spoken between the two for a moment; "What do you want to eat?"

"Nothing I'm not hungry." He looked around the living room and then looked at Lauren, "You've not eaten in three days nor have you slept. Don't pretend you're okay when I know you're not."

She keeps her head on his shoulder, him running his fingers through her hair. He sighs when she says she doesn't want to eat anything because in three days, he can tell she barely has the energy to run after her three year old daughter, let alone pull twelve hour shifts.

"Just eat something Lauren _please_."

"I'm not hungry." She looks at him and kisses him softly on the lips, "I'm going to bed, I'll speak to you in the morning."

Lauren stands up and as she does, Toby grabs her arm. She feels his warmth on her wrist and she looked at him, right in the eye and he tells her; "Don't push me away Lauren, please. Talk to me."

She smiles, breaks her wrist free and leaves the living room, heading for the landing. As she walks up the stairs and along the hall, she stops outside the Nursery where her two babies were meant to be. Slowly she pushed open the door and stepped inside.

It was _exactly_ how she left it. The walls were painted yellow because they'd decided not to find out the sex. Two cots lay either side beside the large window that showed the view of Holby and the wardrobe in the left was filled with babygrows and outfits they were going to dress their children in.

She picked up the blankets Matthew and Joesph used for the first few hours of their lives and picked one up. She held it to her chest and sniffed in the scent of her babies. She bit her lower lip and then went to her own bedroom where she lay down on the bed and cried.

/

She didn't sleep well, if at all. She lay awake staring up at the ceiling counting the tiles. The noise outside is distracting her and memories of the birth haunt her dreams to the point, she can't settle.

She bites her lower lip hard and decides to get up. Quietly, she creeps out of the bedroom trying not to distract Toby from his slumber. The bedside clock says the time is half three and she sighs, frustrated that tonight's another night she won't sleep.

Heading downstairs, she picks up the phone off the table, dials a familiar number and presses the phone to her ear. She listens to it ring for a couple of seconds and hopes the person will answer.

_"Hello?"_

"Dad it's me, it's Lauren. I'm so sorry for calling at this time but I need to talk to someone."

_"Lauren it's fine, what's wrong?"_

She sits down on the settee and crossed her legs before speaking into the phone; "I've not slept for four days, I haven't eaten in four days either. Every time I close my eyes, I go back to that night dad, the night I lost the twins."

_"Have you spoken to Toby?"_

"What do you think dad, when do I ever talk to people about my feelings? I know he blames me for their deaths, if only I hadn't done this or that they'd still be alive. He's only pretending not to blame me, I know deep down he does."

"_Lauren_," There's a pause, "_Matthew and Joesph died because one they were premature and two, they contracted the strep B infection. You couldn't have prevented it, your a Doctor not a miracle worker."_

"But if I took my injections, did more physical exercise—"

_"It wouldn't have made any difference."_

"It might have given them a chance! I know it's late but can I come over? If I stay here I'll go out of my mind, watching the news."

_"Sure, I'll put the kettle on."_

She smiles into the phone; "Thanks dad, I love you." She puts the phone down and places it back on the holder. She tip-toes upstairs, changes from her pyjama's and into something comfortable, grabs her car keys of the bedside table and walks downstairs again.

Lauren unlocks the front door, locks it behind her and then unlocks the car. As she sits in the drivers seat, she turns the keys in the ignition and begins to drive towards her father's house on the opposite side of town.

/

Lauren holds the cup of tea in her hands, brings her knees to her chest and takes a sip of the liquid, "I wish—I wish mum was still around, maybe then she'd tell me that I was doing everything okay and things _are_ going to get better."

"Am I not enough?"

Lauren turns her head to her father and smiles softly, "You know you are! It's just, you know I was always closer to mum than I was to you. I felt—I don't know, I always felt that I could tell mum everything that I couldn't tell you."

Charlie squeezes her hand; "I know, I understand."

There's nothing exchanged between the two and Lauren places the cup of tea on the coffee table. Then she leans her head on her father's shoulder, suckles on her thumb and falls asleep. Charlie places his own mug on the coffee table and kisses his daughter's head.

He picks her up, carries her up the stairs and lies her down on the bed. He tucks her up in bed like she's a child again and goes downstairs with a pillow and blanket where he sleeps on the settee for the evening.

* * *

**jottings** — MERRY CHRISTMAS :') hope you enjoyed it and santa brought you everything you wanted! if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	4. CHAPTER IV

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER FOUR**.  
_we're never getting back together_.

* * *

When Charlie wakes in the morning, he makes two cups of coffee and takes them upstairs. As he pushes open the bedroom door, he smiles at the sleeping figure who was still asleep in the same position as Charlie left her in last night.

She was sucking the tip of her thumb like she did when she was young, the thing Baz always told her off for. He smiled softly at the memories before he walked towards her and placed one cup of coffee on the beside table, beside the alarm clock.

The front door closed shut and Lauren stirred slightly. Louis walked up the stairs and Charlie shot him a look;

"Quiet, she's sleeping!"

"Who?" He took out one of his headphones and looked past Charlie at his older sister sleeping in his father's bed. He looked at his father and unplugged his headphones from his mobile phone.

"Is she drunk again?"

"Louis! You know she's off the drink." He shrugged and walked to his bedroom. As Louis closed his bedroom door, Charlie sighed and closed the bedroom door. He went downstairs, sat down at the kitchen table and began to drink his coffee.

Lauren turned over, drifting in and out of sleep. She woke, blinked and sat up in bed, looking around the room and remember exactly how she came to be here. She smiled at the memories of last night, the conversations with her father and was proud of herself.

For once she opened up to someone who wasn't her therapist Kathy.

She looks around the room and finds the cup of coffee on the side. She picked it up and smiled, staring at the clock. She realised it wasn't that late and she still had plenty of time to go home and get changed _before_ heading to work.

The heat of the coffee cup was felt around her hands and she heard the music from the room next door. She sighed knowing her brother was home, dubstep was _his_ type of music. She necked her coffee and placed the cup back on the side before getting out of bed.

Lauren left the bedroom and went downstairs where she saw her father at the kitchen table.

"Thanks for last night, it means a lot."

"You're welcome."

There wasn't anything exchanged for a moment before she replied; "I best be going otherwise Toby'll be sat at home wondering where I've gone." She kisses her father's cheek and walked to the front door.

She unlocked the front door, walked to her car and sat in the driver's seat. She turned the keys in the ignition and began to drive home. She knew Toby would be stood at home, pacing the living room wondering — _worrying_ that she'd have done something stupid, (as per usual)

She gets home, fifteen minutes after leaving her father's house. Toby and Sofia are awake, they're in the kitchen eating their breakfast. She walks through the front door and closes the door before apologising;

"I'm sorry if you were worried."

"Where did you go?" She took her shoes off and walked into the kitchen, "I couldn't sleep so I went to my father's, I slept peacefully."

She smiled at Sofia who was sticking her index finger in her toast and then licking the jam off. She sat down at the table and rested her head on Toby's head and nothing was exchanged for a moment.

"I feel better now anyway, I think I'm going to start sleeping again." She laced her fingers with Toby'ss, stroking them before Toby caught sight of the time. He jumped up and kissed her forehead;

"Is that the time? I best be going, can I take your car?"

Lauren rose an eyebrow then slowly handed the keys to the car, "If you wrap my car around a lampost, you'll never _ever_ be forgiven, understood?"

"I love you, see you later."

"I love you too, bye."

/

Lauren and Sofia decided that before she had to go to work, they were going to go to the park and spend some time together. It was a little cold outside so they wrapped up warm. They left the house after nine and she began to walk down the street, her hand clasped around Sofia's.

"Sofia?"

"Yes mummy?"

"Are you happy?" Sofia looked up at her mother, her eyes bright and nodded, "Yes mummy, I'm very happy."

Lauren sighed and squeezed her hand; "Sofia, you know mummy and Toby love you right? We might not be able to spend a lot of time together but that doesn't mean we don't love you okay?"

Sofia nodded and smiled. Lauren knelt down to her level and hugged her daughter tightly before kissing her; "I love you, come on, let's go to the park and get ice-cream." Lauren held Sofia's hand and together they walked towards the park.

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	5. CHAPTER V

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER FIVE**.  
_you know you pray,_

* * *

They sat on a park bench, both of them eating strawberry ice cream. Lauren dipped her finger in her ice cream and gently tapped Sofia on the nose, covering her nose with ice cream. Her daughter laughed hysterically and blew a raspberry.

"Mummy?"

"Yes?"

There was a pause and she licked her ice cream cone; "Will you have another baby?"

Lauren smiled a little, "I don't know Sofia, maybe." They both stayed in silence, licking their ice cream cones. Sofia's question ran through her mind, did she really want another baby? Could she go through the pain of losing another child?

She knew, deep down, she'd never have another child. If she did and they died, it'll hurt her more the second time around.

For mid morning, the park wasn't too busy, there were a couple of teenagers in school uniform larking about near the bandstand, obviously skiving school. Some parents had come with their children, the under fives playing in the small play area that had been built for them.

She observed her surroundings, occassionally glancing at her watch to find out the time. She'd just looked at her watch and noticed she needed to go when a large scream came from the climbing frame. Her doctor's instinct took over and she dropped her ice cream.

"Sofia, stay here for me yeah?"

She rushed over to where a small group of people were beginning to gather. She pushed her way through the crowd, "I'm a Doctor, what's happened?"

There was a young boy lying on the floor, in his own blood. Lauren could tell it was coming from the head wound on his head, "I took my eye off him for two minutes, _two_ minutes I swear. I think he's fallen from up there."

Lauren looked up at the climbing frame and nodded. She knew that right now wasn't the best time to get emotionally involved and start to think it could've been Sofia on that climbing frame. Instead she focused on the boys ABC's, (airway, breathing and circulation.)

"What's his name?" Lauren asked and the mother answered; "Ben, he's called Ben."

"Is he allergic to anything?" Again the mother shook her head and Lauren asked if she could hold her son's head still. She was weary of putting himm in the recovery position incase he'd suffered a spinal injury.

"Can someone call an ambulance, tell them its urgent and there's a Doctor on the scene." Another parent, a male nodded and took out his mobile phone to call the emergency services. For what seemed like forever for Lauren, Jeff and Curtis appeared.

She breathed a sigh of relief; "Am I glad to see you too. This is Ben he's three, he's had a possible fall from about ten feet, he's sustained a head injury and he's been unconscious for five minutes. His pulse is sixty beats per minute and according to his mother, he isn't allergic to anything.

"We'll take it from here."

Lauren smiled softly, "Im coming with you to the hospital."

Jeff looked past Lauren at the figure sat on the bench, swinging her legs backwards and forwards, covered in strawberry ice cream. He looked back at Lauren and didn't say anything for a moment, "Isn't that Sofia?"

She nodded, "Yeah I'm bringing her with me, come on we haven't got all day."

/

Lauren sat Sofia in the staff room and knelt down in front of her. As she wiped the ice cream around her mouth, she told her; "Sofia mummy's got to work and I need you to be a big girl okay? I need you to sit down here and be quiet."

She nodded and Lauren handed her the remote control for the television and put it on some cartoons to interest her. Then she got changed into her scrubs, tied her hair back into a ponytail and left, knowing if anyone discovered Sofia she'd be dead, literally.

She was about to walk into Resus when Tess stopped her and told her to go to cubicles. She rolled her eyes and slowly turned around; "Why don't I get the excitement for one?"

Tess smiled, "It's not up for discussion Lauren."

Lauren sighed deeply, picked up the nearest patient file and began to walk in the direction of the cubicles. Her first patient of the day was Albert Trent with an ulcer on his thigh which when Lauren examined thought was quite large.

She was minding her own business, collecting the equipment to drain the ulcer when she felt a pair of arms snake around her neck. She almost jumped out of her skin. She turned to Toby and punched him playfully, "Hey, you tryna scare me?"

He laughed; "Not really but I'm glad I succeeded."

"How's the car?"

"She's fine, there's not a scratch on her. I'm offended you don't think I can take good care of your car."

Lauren smirked and bit her lower lip; "You can't that's why I was so worried."

He kissed her softly, pulled her close and held her tightly. Then he whispered in her ear, "Lauren, you know I love you don't you? You and Sofia, you're the best thing that's _ever_ happened to me and I would never, ever leave you alright?"

Lauren frowned; "What's brought this on?"

Toby shrugged and kissed her forehead, "Nothing I just wanted to tell you. I'll leave you to get on with Mr Trent, he's a right fussy one." As he walked off, Lauren couldn't help but wonder if something was wrong or at least, going to be wrong. It was completely out of character for Toby.

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	6. CHAPTER VI

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER SIX**.  
_see beneath your beautiful tonight,_

* * *

Sofia sat in the staff room, staring at the television, thumb in her mouth. The program wasn't very good and it definitely wasn't keeping her entertained. She wriggled off the settee and looked around the staff room, deciding she was going to do something, anything.

Walking out of the door, she ended up been in the middle of the ED, still sucking her thumb wanting to find her mummy.

/

After she'd finished with Mr Trent, her next patient was seventeen year old Abigail Moore with a swollen and bruised ankle. Her initial assumption was that the girl had been out drinking and fallen over in high heels, something Lauren had done quite regularly as a youngster, (and still did sometimes)

"Hey Abigail, I'm Lauren Fairhead, Doctor Fairhead."

"Hey." Lauren smiled at the youngster who was biting the skin around her thumb, slightly nervous about what the Doctor was going to say, "You can relax, I'm just going to examine your ankle and then I'll send you for an x-ray okay?"

Abigail nodded, "So it's not going to hurt?"

Lauren shook her head, "No its not going to hurt." She put on her latex gloves and touched Abigail's ankle. It was swollen to twice its size and purple and blue. She touched part of her ankle; "Is that sore?"

Abigail shook her head and she touched another part of Abigail's ankle. She cried out in pain and she apologised for causing her pain. She was silent for a moment before she replied; "I think it's broken but I'm going to arrange an x-ray for you. I'm also going to give you some morphine to help with the pain."

Abigail smiled softly and Lauren took off her gloves, "It won't be long now, I promise."

/

Sofia chewed her lower lip, becoming scared of the commotion in the Emergency Department. There was a fight and Sofia walked straight in the middle of it. Someone collided with her and she fell to the floor, beginning to cry.

Everyone was quiet, listening to the sound of crying. Jessica looked down at the little girl crying and knelt down; "Hello sweetheart, are you okay?"

"I want mummy, I can't find mummy." Jess picked up the girl and she snuggled her head into her chest. Jess looked around at the people in the waiting room but none of them seemed to know who the girl was so she ruled out that any of them were the girls parents.

"What's your mummy called?"

Sofia began to suck on her thumb again; "She's called Lauren, she's a Doctor."

Jessica nodded, knowing who the girls mother was. She took Sofia back to the staff room and sat her down on the settee, turned the television onto something more suitable for her and sat down beside her.

"What are you doing here?"

"Mummy and me had an ice-cream in the park but a boy fell over and bumped his head. Then mummy said we had to go to the hospital and that I couldn't go to nursery today and she sat me here and told me to stay. But I didn't. I'm tired and I need mummy to put me to sleep."

Jess nodded her head, "Well how about you stay here and I'll go and get your mummy okay?"

Sofia nodded, turned back to the television and continued to watch the program. Jess walked to the door and turned back, a sigh escaped her lips. A hospital was really no place for a child, especially not this small.

Lauren was stood by the nurse's station, writing up Abigail's patient notes. The x-ray on Abigail had come back and shown that her ankle was broken. She'd be in plaster cast for six weeks, something she wasn't too fond of.

"Lauren?"

Lauren placed the pen down on the page and looked up, "Oh hi Jess, everything okay?"

"Yeah everything's okay, it's about Sofia." Lauren swallowed hard; "She's okay isn't she? I mean, I left her in the staff room and—"

Jess placed a hand on Lauren's hand, "She's okay. She wandered off and I found her in the waiting room. She says she wants you because she's very, very tired and needs you to put her to sleep."

A small smile appeared on Lauren's face and she nodded, "Thank you." She said before she asked Jess if she could cover for her, if anyone asked she'd gone upstairs with a patient. Jess said she'd cover for her and Lauren smiled, she was glad to have friends like Jess.

She found Sofia in the staff room, sucking her thumb and watching Tommy Zoom. She smiled and walked towards her before bending down. She smiled softly and tucked a strand of hair behind her daughter's ear, "Shall we go to sleep?"

Sofia nodded and Lauren turned off the television, picked up Sofia and left the staff room hoping nobody would catch her. She took her to the on-call room and lay her down on the bed before lying down beside her.

"Mummy?"

Lauren stroked her daughter's cheek; "Yes?"

"Why are you a Doctor?" There was a silence as Lauren tucked Sofia up into bed, "Why am I a Doctor? Hmm, mummy likes to help people and make them feel better. Like, when your poorly and mummy looks after you, that's what mummy does to other people."

"Did it take ages to be a Doctor?"

"A very long time."

"How long?" Lauren smiled softly and stroked Sofia's cheek again; "A very, very long time, now go to sleep because mummy needs to go back to work and save people."

"Are you a superhero mummy?"

Lauren laughed; "A little." There was silence again and Lauren looked at the clock. It was just after one and she didn't have long left of her shift which she was grateful about. She couldn't wait to go home, snuggle up to Sofia and fall asleep.

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	7. CHAPTER VII

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVEN**.  
_all i ever wanted, all i ever wanted._

* * *

It wasn't long until Sofia had fallen asleep and Lauren kissed her forehead, made sure she was tucked in and left, heading back to work. She felt sleepy herself but she knew there was another eight hours or so to go until the end was in sight.

Heading to the staff room, she made herself an extra strong coffee and took a paracetamol for the headache she felt coming and returned to cubicles. She'd finished with one of her patients when she leant against the nurses' desk, writing up the notes when the sound of heels distracted her.

She looked up from the file her eyes falling upon Marilyn. The first thing that passed through her mind was how the hell had she'd been able to come back after everything she'd done.

"Doctor Fairhead." She said softly and smiled. Lauren slowly closed the patient file and answered back; "I wouldn't talk to me if you know what's best for you."

Charlie noticed the tention between the two and slowly walked towards his daughter. As he looked in between them both, he gently touched Lauren's arm, knowing that she wouldn't be able to keep quiet.

"What's going on?"

"She's—" Lauren jabbed a finger in Marilyn's direction, "back and I was just letting her know that she shouldn't talk to me if she knows what's best for her. I mean, she's a bitch. She shouldn't be able to work here again after everything she's done, hospital management certainly take the piss."

"Lauren!" She looked at her father and backed down. She knew that right now wasn't the best time to do it, argue with Marilyn in front of the patients and the staff. She walked off, the sound of her heels disappearing down the corridor.

"Lauren, she'll make your life hell." Her father whispered and Lauren laughed; "Oh really, I'd like to see her try." As his only daughter walked off, Charlie shook his head. Lauren was trouble and he had to watch her carefully, otherwise she'd might do something she regrets.

That was Lauren, the daughter he raised, the girl who never engaged her brain before opening her mouth.

/

She headed into Resus, thrilled that today she'd be able to experience the demands of it. There'd been a young girl brought in, no older than fourteen with a piece of glass sticking out of her neck. Lauren swallowed hard, what kind of animal could do that to a child?

Lauren pushed her thoughts aside. She _had_ to focus on the patient and not her emotions.

It wasn't surprising that when she ended up in Resus, she'd walked straight into an argument between Adam, Zoe and Ruth. All three thought they knew the best treatment for their patient. Lauren sighed and raised her voice —

"Can we all stop arguing please?"

No one listened to her and she was about to scream, to do something that would allow the others to listen to her. She took a deep breath until she caught something, a ball of some sort flying towards Adam and hitting him in the chest, bouncing off him then hitting Zoe.

Lauren turned, her eyes falling upon Noel and a man she'd never seen before.

"Hi Nick Jordan. Two things you should be aware of, the first, I'm your new Clinical Lead. The second, your patient has a bottle in her neck."

All four of them, Adam, Zoe, Ruth and Lauren caught each other's gaze that this was there new boss. Lauren couldn't help but sigh, she knew that they'd most likely be bollocked for acting unprofessionally, the way they had.

She turned to walk away, heading back towards cubicles when Nick Jordan stopped her.

"Name?"

"Lauren Fairhead, Doctor Fairhead, F2."

He nodded towards the patient, "And what do you think we should do?" She turned, taking a look at the patient. Then she glanced back at Nick and shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know, ask Doctor Winter's she'll know, she knows everything."

"I'm asking you." There was a pause between the two before Lauren walked towards the patient, "Firstly I'd give her fluids and morphine then I'd perform an emergency tracheotomy to help her breath easily. Now Mr Jordan, please can I return to cubicles?"

She didn't wait to hear his answer, she just walked out of Resus, breathing a sigh of relief. That wasn't how she was meant to meet the new Clinical Lead but she was glad she had meant him, she couldn't embarass herself now.

/

Lauren and Toby took their break at the same time and ended up sitting outside the Emergency Department. She rested her head on his shoulder for a moment, a cup of coffee in her arms, nothing spoken.

She took a mouthful of coffee just as Toby asked; "You don't think I need a counsellor do you Lauren?"

She splurted her coffee out of her mouth and stared up at Toby, "Toby, where an earth has this come from?"

"Ruth was saying I could make an appointment, in her words we'd have a lot to talk about."

Lauren rested her head on his shoulder again, "Toby I wish you'd ignore Doctor Winters, she's a stuck-up bitch who thinks she's better than everyone in this hospital. She isn't. She's a bitch who's lonely who gets a kick out of bringing other people down."

Toby laced his fingers with Lauren's, "You're right."

There was a silence between the two, they just drank their coffees in silence. That's what worked so well between the two, they didn't need to talk constantly, the silence between them was comfortable, not awkward like Lauren feared when they first got together.

Toby looked down at Lauren, kissed her forehead and said; "I hear Sofia's in the on-call room, don't let Mr Jordan catch her!"

"Shit!" She exclaimed and stood up, dropping her coffee cup on the floor; "I forgot all about her, I forgot about Sofia." She put her face in her hands and sighed deeply. As she removed her hands from her face, she saw the smirk on Toby's face.

"It's not funny!" She punched him in the arm to which he laughed and replied; "Only you could forget about your own daughter."

"I'd actually forget my own head if it weren't screwed on." She smiled and kissed him hard before returning in doors. She walked towards the on-call rooms, knowing she needed to check on Sofia and make sure she was okay and hadn't wandered off again.

* * *

**jottings** — sorry i haven't updated in ages, been working and college etc. i hope people are still reading, please if you like it enough to favourite/alert, don't forget to drop me a review, they mean the world to me :3


	8. CHAPTER VIII

ϟ

* * *

CHAPTER EIGHT.

* * *

She reached the on-call room and leant against the door. She watched Sofia as she was playing on the floor, with a fire engine and some building bricks. She spoke to herself as she played, the fire engine crashing into the building blocks.

She looked up, her eyes falling upon Lauren. She giggled and dropped the toys. Running to her mother with arms out-stretched, she hugged Lauren's middle. Lauren smiled softly and kissed the top of her head.

"Have you been good?"

She nodded, a small smile upon her face. Lauren looked into her daughter's eyes and stroked her cheek. She hated that sometimes, due to work, she couldn't spend as much time as she hoped with Sofia. She knew she should, life was far too short.

Picking her up, Lauren whispered; "Shall we go home?"

Sofia nodded and Lauren smiled. She placed her on the edge of the bed whilst she tidied up and placed the toys back under the bed. She didn't know where they'd come from but she was grateful they were there. They entertained Sofia when Lauren couldn't.

She picked her up again and was about to leave when she bumped into Mr Jordan, "Mr Jordan!"

Nick looked at Lauren, then Sofia, then back at Lauren. Lauren knew she'd been busted and began to explain before he asked; "I know an Emergency Department isn't the most suitable place for a child and I promise, it will never happen again."

He looked at Lauren and nodded. He accepted her explanation for now but he knew, if he ever saw Sofia back in the ED he'd have to have a more professional word. Lauren breathed a sigh of relief as she walked outside and into the taxi that was waiting for them both.

/

Lauren cooked tea for them all, her, Sofia and Toby. She made chicken wrapped in parma ham with vegetables. She sat at the table, Sofia opposite her. She stuck her knife in her chicken and looked at Sofia.

"Sofia?"

The little girl looked up from the table, "Yes mummy?"

"Are you okay?" There was a pause before Sofia nodded. She smiled and began to eat her vegetables without complaining. Lauren felt a bit funny was worried about Sofia for some reason, she didnt want to feel like a rubbish mother.

The front door opened and Sofia dropped her fork on the table. She ran to the door and straight into Toby's arms, "Ooft, hello Munchkin."

She smiled at the sight of Toby and Sofia at the door. She didn't know where she'd be without Toby, he was the light in her life. He was the light in Sofia's too. He picked up Sofia and carried her into the kitchen, one hand tickling under her chin.

He sat her down at the table and planted a kiss on Lauren's head, "How was your day?"

"You know how my day was. I forgot my own daughter, remember." She smirked and kissed Toby softly on the lips, "No, it wasn't that bad. It was okay. I'm glad it was over though, what about you? Did you manage to ignore Doctor Winters?"

Toby nodded. He didn't understand why he took to heart what others said about him. But then again, it was probably down to the lack of confidence he had. He never understood how he attracted Lauren, she was much more confident than him.

"Yes I did, I don't know what her problem is."

"Do you want to know what it is?" Lauren asked and glanced at Toby, "She's got a screw loose up here." She tapped her temple and smiled. Yes, Lauren believed Ruth was crazy, more so after she tried to kill herself last year through hanging.

"After Sofia's in bed, me and you, we need to talk." Toby took a mouthful of food and nodded. He was worried about what Lauren needed to talk to him about, it had to be serious for them to discuss it when Sofia was in bed.

/

"What do you need to talk to me about?"

They were sat on the edge of the bed. Lauren was staring at the floor, wondering if she should tell Toby what was on her mind. Then she realised, there shouldn't be any secrets in a relationship but she was scared.

"Hmm." She answered before he asked, "Lauren?"

There was another pause, "Toby, I—" She paused unable to bring herself to say it. She rested her head on his shoulder and he rested his head on hers. There was nothing spoken, the only sound heard was the sound of the television downstairs.

"What?"

She sighed, "You want a baby don't you? That's all you've ever wanted, a family. I wanted a family with you too Toby but after the twins I can't go through that again, losing them. I'm so sorry, I think it's best that we split up."

"Woah!" He exclaimed and stood up. He looked at his girlfriend, eyes wide. Had he just heard right? "Lauren? What are you going on about? Look, I want a family okay? I wanted a baby more than anything but you and Sofia, you _are _my family."

He knelt down and took Lauren's hands in his, "Don't be silly. Fine, we won't have children together but we don't have to have our own children. We can adopt. As long as I have you and Sofia, I'm okay." He kissed her softly and smiled against her lips, "I love you silly."

A few tears rolled down her cheeks, "I love you too. I just, I don't want to hold you back. You'll tell me won't you Toby, when you want a baby?"

He nodded, "Course I will." He knew he wouldn't tell Lauren when he wanted a baby because he didn't want to hurt her. He wanted a baby of his own so much, there's only so much he could feel for Sofia yet he knew he couldn't tell Lauren.

It hurt him to know he'd never have a child with the woman he loved. He kissed her again and smiled.

* * *

jottings — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	9. CHAPTER IX

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER NINE**.  
_spinnin' round and round._

* * *

He waits until she's asleep before he creeps out of the bedroom and the house. He heads to the only place he knows, the bar and orders a pint of lagar. He doesn't know how to deal with these feeling inside, they make him — confused.

He wants a baby with Lauren, the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with but she won't. He doesn't know what to do. Accept the situation and accept he'll never be a father to his own child, or discuss the possibility to with Lauren. He _wants_ a baby with her, only her.

He necks his pint of lagar and slams the pint glass on the bar, "Another one please."

He's not alone at the bar, there's a girl there too. She's only young, similar age to Toby perhaps, wearing a red dress, "Can I get you a drink?" He asks and she accepts his invitation and says she'll have a glass of white wine.

He slides the glass to her and she thanks him. Then there's nothing but silence,

"I'm Toby."

"I'm Claire, nice to meet you."

"You too."

He sips his drink and wonders how a pretty girl like her ends up at the bar. They begin to talk about everything, their lives, their troubles, the reason they're both sat alone at the bar, discussing personal events with a stranger.

He's not drunk, not even slightly so he doesn't know why he hits on her. Maybe it had something to do with the alcohol and the fact she was so understanding, nodding and telling him she understood exactly what he was going through.

He doesn't mean to cheat, to kiss and eventually sleep with another woman. It's just, she's there and Lauren isn't and he's so caught up in the mix of lust that he ends up in her flat, making love to her and he hates himself for it, especially in the morning when he's clouded by guilt.

/

Lauren wakes up just after six-thirty with Sofia jumping on her asking for pancakes. She's knackered and as she opens her eyes to find her daughter's face in hers, she smiles and kisses her softly. She rolls over to notice Toby's side of the bed empty, she swore he was beside her when she fell asleep last night.

"Pancakes mummy, I want pancakes!"

All thoughts of Toby slowly faded as she sat up and took her daughter's hand; "Fine, you can have pancakes!"

"YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!" Sofia squeeled and jumped off the bed. She ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. Lauren followed behind and as she walked into the kitchen, she was shocked at what Sofia was doing already.

She'd pushed a chair to the counter and stood up and had opened the cupboard.

"Errr, what are you doing Sofia?"

"Making pancakes mummy, making pancakes!"

Lauren licked her lips and stared at her daughter. Even now when she was misbehaving, she brought a smile to Lauren's face. She couldn't imagine life without her, her beautiful daughter who was the light in her darkness.

She made pancakes for them both and they sat at the table, Sofia swinging her legs backwards and forwards as she stabbed her fork into the pancake. Lauren wasn't really feeling hungry so she picked at her pancake, tearing it into strips.

"Mummy?"

Lauren looked up and nodded, "Yes?"

"Can I come to work with you and Toby?"

Lauren sighed, "Sweetie you can't. Hospitals aren't meant for little people," she pressed her finger against her nose, "Plus I'm sure you've missed nursery and your friends and painting aren't you?"

"Yes mummy but I miss you and Toby when I'm at nursery."

"And we miss you too sweetheart." She stood up and picked up the plates, "Come on, lets get ready."

/

She'd dropped Sofia off at Nursery at eight, kissed her goodbye and told her she'll be back soon.

She slowly walked towards work, taking her mobile phone out of her pocket and finding Toby's number. As she pressed the green button, she held her phone to her ear and listened to it ring. Where the hell was he?

The phone rang, rang and eventually went to answer machine. Lauren sighed as she left a message; "Toby it's Lauren, call me!"

She disconnected the phone call, put the phone back in her pocket and began to think the worst thoughts ever. What if Toby had left? What if he was injured somewhere? What if he was dead? She shook the thoughts from her mind, he'll be fine. He had to be.

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	10. CHAPTER X

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER TEN**.  
_spinnin' round and round._

* * *

As she walked into work, she muttered her morning's to the team already on duty. Reaching the staff room, she walked towards the kettle and switched it on. She could do with a massive cup of coffee, it might make her forget about Toby for a second.

"Morning," the cheerful sound of Jessica filled the silence and Lauren turned to look at her, "Morning!"

"You okay?"

Lauren forced a smile and nodded her head, "Never better thanks." There was a pause between them, nothing spoken before Lauren sighed deeply and answered; "Well, I guess everything could be better. I haven't seen Toby all morning."

Jessica nodded and Lauren felt bad about moaning. Here was Jessica, carrying another man's child whilst her husband and two children were somewhere else. She didn't complain, she got on with it and Lauren wished she had Jessica's strength.

"Anyway, enough about me, what about you?"

"I'm good," she looked down at her stomach, "We're good thanks."

Lauren smiled, not knowing what to say. The kettle boiled and Lauren nodded towards the kettle and asked; "Do you want a coffee, tea?"

"No thanks," she smiled and she made a coffee. She put a spoonful of coffee into a mug, then the milk and then the hot water. She stirred it around, just staring into space wondering how well today's shift was going to end.

"I best get on," she heard Jessica say and she nodded. The door opened and closed again. She took a sip of her coffee and turned back round. Her eyes fell upon Toby stood beside his locker and looking sheepish.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"I'm sorry Lauren, I went to the pub last night."

"And you couldn't be bothered leaving a note?" There was a silence between the two, neither of them knowing what to say. Yes Toby should've left a note but perhaps Lauren needed to know how it felt, waking up in the morning without him by her side.

"I forgot, I'm sorry."

Lauren put down her cup of coffee, "You forgot? Oh that's okay! I suppose you forgot to answer your fucking phone as well, didn't you?"

Toby slammed his locker shut which caused Lauren to jump; "Will you stop overreacting!"

"Over-reacting? Oh I'm over-reacting am I? I woke up this morning and you weren't there! I was worried Toby, I was worried something had happened to you. That you were dead or something but no, you went to the pub!"

"You know what, now you know how it feels! Every time I've woken up and you've been gone and I've had to look after Sofia. Taste of your own medicine isn't it, Lauren!"

She dropped the mug against the floor, the mug smashed to pieces. She knew her and Toby would have a full blown argument, slash fight and it wouldn't be good especially when they had to work a full shift together.

She punched the locker and began to walk away before Toby's hand on her arm stopped her, "What?"

"We need to talk."

"It can wait, we've got work to do!"

/

All shift it was strained, the tension between the two of them whenever their paths crossed. She knew she'd been a little harsh on him. He'd only gone to the pub for a few drinks, it wasn't like he cheated was it? She just, she got worried about him.

She'd been filling out a patient's notes when Jeff and Dixie brought in a patient. It was a small child, a boy no older than four who'd been choking. She didn't know how she put her emotions aside and was able to treat him without thinking of Sofia.

She'd been doing CPR for five minutes hoping they'd get him back. They couldn't. It was too late, he was dead. She refused to believe it at first, refuse to believe he was dead but Adam put his hands over hers.

"Lauren he's dead, we should stop."

She took a deep breath and stepped back. Adam announced the time of death as 11:43am and she took off her gloves and threw them in the bin. She bit her lower lip as she walked out of resus and bumped into Toby.

"You alright?"

"Fine!" She snapped, "I'd be better if you left me alone though."

"Lauren, we've got to deal with this."

She looked up, her eyes meeting with Toby's and shook her head. She'd come to conclusion she could no longer be with him, their relationship, it's toxic. It's poison being with him, it's no good for Sofia being brought up in that environment.

"There's nothing to talk about Toby, I think—I think we should split up."

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	11. CHAPTER XI

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**.  
_mistreated, misplaced, missunderstood._

* * *

Eventually she agrees to meet him in the canteen, despite the fact she's just announced their relationship's over.

He orders two coffees, one for her and one for him. They sit opposite each other and Lauren trails her finger around the rim of the cup. She made eye contact with Toby and smiled softly, "I'm sorry, I think I overreacted."

"It's okay."

"No it isn't. I always do this to you, I always treat you like shit and it's not right Toby."

He smiled softly, "Look I'm not perfect, neither are you. We both do things that aren't right, it doesn't mean we care any less about each other. Lauren, I knew how much of a nutcase you were and I still got involved with you. I love you,"

"It's not that," she whispered and paused. She took a sip of her coffee, took his hand and looked him in the eye, "Toby I want us to split up. Sometimes in life you have to let the person you love most, leave."

"But why?"

She squeezed his fingers, "You want a family, you want to experience having a child of your own. That's something I can't give you and it's only pushing us further apart. It's easier to split up and let you meet someone and have a child with them, I'll be okay on my own."

"Lauren I'm not interested in—"

She cut him off, "There's no need to lie. Please Toby, don't make this anymore difficult than it already is, I love you and I only want what's best for you."

She smiled sadly, a tear rolled down her cheek. He leant over and wiped it away before kissing her softly. It broke her heart to let him go but she knew she needed too. If she didn't, they'd only stay together and destroy each other.

She didn't want that either, she had to put Sofia first.

/

At the end of a ten hour shift, Lauren had writtten her resignation letter and decided to hand it to Mr Jordan. She stood outside his office, feeling like a schoolgirl all over again, took a deep breath and knocked on.

As she opened the door, she smiled softly; "Mr Jordan, I've got something for you."

She stepped towards the desk and placed down the envelope. Nick looked at it for a moment, picked it up and studied it closer. He was silent and it only made Lauren more nervous. Eventually he broke the silence,

"Why?"

Now it was her turn to become silent, "I need to leave Holby, it's personal but I've decided — I need to start putting my daughter first. I wasn't a very good mother Mr Jordan and I want to change that even if it means leaving the job I love."

Deep down he didn't want to accept it. Lauren was a good Doctor, she had potential to go further, "If this is what you want?"

"Yes Mr Jordan, I'd appreciate if you didn't try talking me out of this. I have to do what I think is right." He nodded again and said he'd miss her. She was an important part of the team. She laughed and said that she was replaceable, they'd hardly notice she was gone.

As she walked towards the door, she smiled; "I'll work my two weeks notice Mr Jordan then that's it."

/

"You're leaving!"

She's sat at the table of her father's, her daughter also sitting there, scribbling on a piece of paper. Lauren's trying to judge what the photo is but it isn't really a drawing as such, more like multi-coloured scribbles.

She's broken the news to her father that she's handed in her resignation. She's leaving. She has to give him credit, he handled it better than she expected. He hasn't shouted at her so far which is always a good thing.

"Why?"

She looks at Sofia scribbling on the paper and answers; "I split up with Toby today. He wants children and I can't give him that so I told him I was leaving him. That way he's able to meet someone and have the family he's always wanted."

"And you're leaving because of that?"

"Yes dad," she takes a deep breath, "The thing is dad, I want to put Sofia first and spend some time with her. She's growing up too fast. I need to put her first before anything else even if it means leaving the job I love."

There's a pause on both their parts before Lauren breaks the silence; "You're not mad at me are you dad?"

He shook his head and sat down beside Sofia at the table, "Of course not."

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	12. EPILOGUE

ϟ

* * *

**EPILOGUE**.  
_can you feel it in your soul?_

* * *

She works the two weeks, everyone knows she's going but she doesn't want a fuss made. Although she was a party animal, she didn't want to say goodbye to everyone, it was hard enough as it was. Everyone was her family here.

She gets presents of the people she's worked with for the last year and a half. It's alcohol and chocolate and perfume, small things that mean a lot. Mean that was she considered part of the team despite everything.

She collects Sofia at Nursery, who's crying because she doesn't want to leave her friends. Lauren's telling her gently that it's okay, she'll make new friends and it'll be like they never left home. Sofia doesn't want to go and deep down, if she's honest neither does Lauren.

But that was life, you had to do things you didn't want to do.

"Where are we going mama?"

Lauren shrugs, she hasn't thought where they're going. She just knows it's away from here, away from Holby and Toby, "Why isn't Toby coming with us?"

"I told you sweetheart, Toby and mummy are no longer together."

"But why?"

"We're just not sweetheart."

They're stood on Platfrom 3 waiting for the train to London. It's due in five minutes and Sofia grips her mother's hand tighter. She looks around the platform before her eyes fall upon someone. They smile at her and she smiles back,

"Lauren?"

She turns around, her eyes falling upon Toby, "What are you doing here!"

"I don't want you to leave Lauren, please. I want you and Sofia, don't leave me."

The train pulls into the station and Sofia looks at Lauren and Toby, then the train then back again. Lauren has a choice. She can either get on that train and never see Toby again or stay and destroy each other.

There's a silence until Lauren takes Toby's hand and whispers; "Come with us, away from Holby."

He doesn't say anything, he doesn't need too. All three of them walk towards the train and get on it. It's only as they sit at a table, Sofia sat next to Toby and the train begins to pull out of the station, they smile at each other and whisper;

"I love you, I always have."

* * *

**jottings** — so this is the end, i'm not sure if i'm going to write another sequel. if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


End file.
